Breaking News: Major Oil Deposit Found Beneath Manhattan

City Workers Stunned at Oil Gusher in Central Park

Some of the world's most valuable real estate just got a little more valuable to the rest of the world. Today, NYC Parks employees discovered oil seeping to surface through the grass at the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Upon the discovery, Mayor Bloomberg and Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe quickly approved some exploratory drilling and geological analysis. The results appear to be very encouraging for anyone worried about gas prices.

"From the initial analysis, it appears that New York City is home to one of the world's greatest oil deposits ever discovered" Bloomberg said at a press conference at the oil-soaked Park. A geologist from Exxon-Mobil then reported that the field could exceed 100 billion barrels of oil, but even that might be conservative. He pointed to the fact that the appearance of this field is a mystery. "This area had been screened over 50 years ago in collaboration with then Park's Commissioner Robert Moses, but there was nothing here. This megafield appearance is conclusive evidence that oil is a renewable resource that is constantly replenished around the world where we least expect it."

Bloomberg then added that he intends to use this windfall to keep the price of gasoline in the city at 35 cents a gallon remembering that this was the price that his father paid at the pump.

Central Park's Sheep Meadow, Home of the World's Newest Abiotic Megafield

City Council Speaker Christine Quinn quickly embraced the continued drilling and exploitation of this new megafield, citing the many programs around the city that this could help fund, like eliminating tolls on all bridges & tunnels, abolishing parking meters and reducing other fees that city drivers face. "It's time to give something back to the city's oppressed automobile drivers and this new oil field will help us reduce the burden on these hard working New Yorkers who fight traffic everyday". Quinn added "it's time to rethink the City as a place that welcomes automobiles, instead of discourages them. People want more cars on our streets and we should support them by making it as easy as possible instead of pandering to pedestrians, cyclists and mass transit rider who only complain about poor safety conditions and are never satisfied."

While for many this was seen as a great new source of revenue for the city, many in the area complained that it would ruin a historic park. "Drilling for oil in Central Park will ruin the neighborhood and destroy the vision of an urban oasis set forth by Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux" resident of Fifth Avenue protested as she drove through the park in her enormous Ford Expedition.

Hummers the New Status Symbol of NYC's Oil Wealth

Auto dealerships around the city reported a boom in car sales, particularly the larger and more spacious Sports Utility Vehicles. One man we stopped on his way out the Hummer dealership said that despite his credit problems, he was able to drive off in a $50,000 H2 because of the new city program to help civil servants with bad credit buy their first car. "No more #6 Train for me. I'm going to be arriving for my job at the Sanitation department in style in my Hummer. I even get a free parking placard included in my new union contract too!"

Happy April Fools Day from TOD:NYC

Oh my.

What can one say?

This really takes the April Fool's cake. Abiotic oil in Central Park.

Prof Goose/Carl Rove must be quite pleased.


Who sez those wacky engineers and scientists don't have a sense of humor?

Halliburton will invade.

After securing the perimeter, Peace Brigades International, (, assisted in their bridge-building efforts by Bridges for Peace (www.peaebridges,org), organized massive teach-ins on non-violent communication (, mediation training, (,,, along with many others too numerous to mention), and leadership for a nuclear-free future (,, etc.). Halliburton executives, having caught wind of the sighting of a particularly talented member of the species "Pan troglodytes automobilius" in his non-native habitat, sporting a bicycle helmet instead of his customery jaunty driving cap, were so flustered they broke ranks, and having been out-AMPODed (see - under "entries submitted, to be taken up by committee") by said Chimp, promptly broke out into song (, and dance( Chimp, in his turn, was so overcome (see, he decided to organize the first of many wildly successful symposia on "Preserving Human Rights in the New Era of Re-localization", especially designed for human rights lawyers, a task he took up right then in there in the park, slosh and all (since he was opposed to unnecessary travel of any sort). As luck would have it, all these events were picked up by not only the exceptionally astute Leanan of TOD (, but by DemocracyNow! (, (magazine of War Resisters International), and, to the surprise of many, but not all - the maestro of mainstream media himself - none other than Prof. G. Meanwhile, back on the Big Island, (, Cheryl and AMPOD2 (AKA Mr. K), met up with none other than JH (Yes, the very same) while they were out hiking. "Have you heard?" they said. "No," said JH. "We've invented the first all-green, eco-friendly rat trap! And...Oh yes, there was oil discovered in Central Park, and a love-peace-teach-in and..." "This changes my plans somewhat," interrupted JH. "We hoped you'd say that," said Cheryl and Mr. K. So, before long, a committee to bring "Peak Oil Awareness and the Benefit of a Hundred Mules" was set up by the more ambitious members of be continued.

Nice links, Aniya!

We are into this April Fuel's Day way over our heads!

And it is Monday now.


You're really grasping for straws here . . .

Hi Chimp,

See, and
Anyway, writing late at night might have made me seem funny to myself only. (I certainly didn't mean to make light of anyone or anything we know deserves attention and support.)
Beggar, thanks. A good reference on human rights is

Halliburton will provide.

Halliburton loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life.

All hail Halliburton!

All hail to the Great God Petroleum!

Halliburton, Bechtel, and KBR -- the Trinity of Petrofascism will ..... take care of you.

Feeling better now?

Our Overlords at Blackwater and Dyncorp will not be pleased that you left them out . . .

Heh, they always said the best place to drill was Wall Street.

Happy 4/01!

All Mafia Families Upset !

The jointly owned and operated oil transfer pipeline from accross the Hudson Ocean (installed as an "extra" with PATH and subway construction) has been a steady and reliable source of revenue; growing significantly in recent years.

The accidental piercing of this pipeline has all parties "quite concerned". However, the timing of this allows for all reports to be passed off as an April Fools joke.

NO ONE (even those that saw the gusher) will ask questions. Distinctly unhealthy !

A repair crew of unknown origin is rapidly repairing the pipeline puncture.

Best Hopes,


I assume foks have seen this one

I got half way down, was about to tell my wife, and then realized what day it is. You sadists! :) Not all of us are geologists.

bad, bad TOD, - i had to look twice as this arrived on april the 2nd for me (at 2am)

on the other hand i do like the new article over at realclimate

The gusher picture background looked a bit too mountainous for Central Park, however I was briefly questioning my purchase of DB Oil & Energy funds last week. Kudos, dugg it!


Where's all your doom and gloom, watch out the sky is falling now TOD, Huh, HUH?!?!

Oh this is just too sweet(pun intended). All your, "oh, oh but what about the fractional flow of the porosity of a grain of sand on the other side of the world, blah, blah, blah." Now we got all we need right here in good ole U of S of A, yeehaw!!! Has there ever been a bigger BUNCH OF FUELS than TODers. I just can't believe how naive you people are, what a bunch of moerons, OIL HAPPENS PEOPLE, get used to it.

Tomorrow morning I'm taking all my money and BUYING STOCK IN CERA. So long Suckers, Z is back on EZ street!!

Gah! You people are all a day behind!

"You can never solve a problem on the level on which it was created."
Albert Einstein


Despite the recent new energy find under Manhatten, Americans are still being warned that the day could come, sometime between now and year 2400 that oil could possibly peak, according to a controversial new report by the GAO ("or it could have been by 2040 instead of 2400, due to budget cuts, we have not yet been able to proofread the document", said one GAO staffer)

With this is mind, the GAO, in consultation with Matthew Simmons, T. Boone Pickens, and other experts concerned about world oil peak, have recommended an emergency mitigation plan to reduce oil used in transportation. First prototype demonstrating the advanced technology is to be seen at link below:

While many of those concerned about oil consumption in the U.S showed support, commentator James Howard Kunstler expressed concerns:

"What do they think this is, an episode of the Brady Bunch? It looks like a car to me, a fckin car! This is the real world and they just want to continue their existance of "the tragic landscape of highway strips, parking lots, housing tracts, mega-malls, junked cities, and luxury convertibles like the one you see here."

However, the transportation mitigation effort is gaining widespread support, even at the international level, and the French have offered technical assistance on the new prototype vehicle and plan.

Remember, we are only one cubic mile from freedom

Respected scientists prove that the average PO believer is merely gullible and cannot recite any rational argument for why more oil can't be found ... learn more here

James Howard Kunstler: "Peak Oil is a Clusterfuck"
by Ozzy Ozone
(Special to the L.A. Times)

His name is legendary in counter-culture circles. James Howard Kunstler - writer, painter and self-confessed "iconoclast," startled his supporters over the weekend with an announcement that he was "just dead wrong" about Peak Oil, a "wacky theory that the world is about to experience a swift decline in oil production."

"I've been wearing this Peak Oil albatross around my neck for the past 20 years, and where has it gotten me?" Kunstler asked a crowd of reporters at Los Angeles International Airport. "I'll tell you where - it's caused a Great Emergency in my finances."

On his way to Cancun, Mexico, Kunstler was transiting at L.A. International where he arranged a press conference. One reporter asked Kunstler what changed his mind. "I got a taste of the good life last month when I went to the Maui, in the Hawaiian Islands," he answered cheerfully. "And after reading about the big oil strike in Manhattan, I just couldn't see the point in continuing all this doomer stuff. Peak Oil is nothing but a big, giant clusterfuck."

The former Peak Oil guru also announced that he had just sold his house in Saratoga, New York, and would be moving to Los Angeles permanently. "You know, I've always liked L.A.," Kunstler confessed. "Good weather, great freeways, and shopping malls second to none. What more could a person ask for?"

Kunstler's mood soured when he talked about his former home. "Just try to find a place to park downtown Saratoga! If it hadn't been for Wal-Mart and their acres of parking, we'd have to walk or bicycle through those friggin snowstorms." He added, "I'm through with all that. If anyone wants to live in that icebox and chop firewood in winter, they can be my guest. I just feel sorry for the sucker who bought my house."

The change in location will also be accompanied by a change of profession. Kunstler recently got his realtor's license and will begin work next month for Century 21 selling McMansions in ex-urban Palm Springs, California. "It's only a 90 mile commute (each way) from L.A. to Palm Springs, and if I start out early I can avoid the traffic," Kunstler explained to The Times. "Although I wouldn't mind living closer to work, it's just too damned hot in Palm Springs. Thank God for air-conditioning - back in Saratoga I always kept it at full blast during the summer, but I didn't tell anyone. Feels great to finally fess up. Coming out of the closet is very liberating."

When a reporter asked a question about global warming, Kunstler scoffed. "Hey, even if global warming wasn't just a myth perpetrated by jive scientists looking for research grants, there'd still be nothing to worry about, because we can always deploy a big giant sun umbrella in space." Visibly annoyed, he added, "Even those who support this wacky theory admit that the polar ice caps won't melt for at least another 30 or 40 years. Hell, I'll probably be dead by then. So I say, let's party!"

Showing off a photo of his new Hummer H2 "Road Bully," Kunstler also emphasized that he was wrong in the past to criticize the subprime lending industry. "Thanks to subprime lending, a lot of people who otherwise couldn't qualify for a mortgage can now at last buy their dream house." The new realtor added that although he was concerned by the increasing level of foreclosures, he didn't think that this was a long-term problem. "I'm confident that property values will continue to rise, and the problem will take care of itself." A smiling Kunstler concluded, "As they say, a rising tide lifts all boats."